Tag: humor

The Lamest Spam I Have Ever Received

I got an email the other day that makes those 419 scam emails seem like Pulitzer Prize material.  Let’s break it down (my comments are in italics).

From: [Sender of Lame Spam]
Sent: February **, 2010
To: [My Email Address]
Subject:

[The first hint that this was a lame spam from a clueless spammer was the fact that he (a) didn’t know that email should have or (b) forgot to add a Subject.  By itself, this could be an inadvertent oversight, but oh no, much more lameness to come.]

Dear Valued Partner:

[This is my all time favorite salutation.  From now on when you speak to me, or even think about me, I require that you address me as “Valued Partner.”  Nothing could possibly demonstrate any more clearly that this dude blasted a bunch of spam and has no idea who he’s trying to talk to.  The only thing that would have been better is if he’d addressed me as Buddy or Sport.  Or Chief.  Chief would be cool.]

image My name is [Spammer] and I am the [Cat Daddy] with [Company of Spammer], a search firm. I wanted to take a moment to
introduce myself and my firm to you, and to let you know that based upon your practice area  [You can tell he has no absolutely idea what I actually do and instead refers cleverly to my “practice area.”  He blasted this to a universe of “Valued Partners,” “Buddies,” “Sports” and “Chiefs” and it would be far too burdensome to actually research all those people.  Apply a Universal BS Translator to this and it really says “I’m too lazy to identify real leads, figure out who the heck I’m trying to communicate with and suggest possible jobs that might actually be a good fit, so I’m going to throw some terrible BS against the wall and see if anyone is desperate enough that it sticks.”], we currently have a number of very exciting opportunities which I felt you might be interested in hearing about. [Sure you do.  You don’t know my name, what I do or even who you’re writing to, but you have the perfect job picked out for me.  Wow. Thanks.]

I appreciate your time and consideration [But mostly I appreciate mine, because blasting out a ton of spam is faster than actually developing leads.], and if I can ever be of service, either now or in the future, please don’t hesitate to give me a call.

Best regards,

[Sender of Lame Spam]

Mac Mini (2008-2009)

IMG_1009

Mr. Mac Mini, 1, of Bellaire, Texas, died September 3, 2009 at home, from unknown causes.  Mr. Mini was found sleeping at his desk and could not be revived.  Heroic efforts were made by his friend and manager Kent Newsome, who performed immediate emergency surgery on Mr. Mini, to no avail.

Mr. Mini was born in June 2008 in China, and moved to Bellaire, Texas in December, 2008.  He was the son of Steve Jobs of Cupertino, California. Following graduation from the Apple Store in 2008, Mr. Mini enlisted in the Extraordinary Everyday Lives Show and appeared semi-regularly during his short life. In early 2009 he partnered with childhood friend Mac the Ripper to rip a few recalcitrant DVDs.  Several of his ripped MP4’s reside in the Newsome family media library.  For his actions Mr. Mini was awarded the distinguished Medal of Mediocrity by leading tech blog Newsome.Org.

Mr. Mini was a life long Macintosh, and worked tirelessly throughout his life to rebut the oft-cited Mac superiority claims by Macintosh fans.  From the age of 2 months, he was mute, unable to produce the slightest sound through his tiny little speaker.  Thanks to the miracle of modern geekiness, he was kept alive and in operation for almost nine months.

His untimely death was met with great reaction from the technosphere.  Steve Wozniak released a statement saying “while I am saddened by Mac’s death, when his father and I split up and his father got custody, I knew something like this was going to happen.”  Noted blogger/photographer Earl Moore said “well, we all know Macs suck, so everyone should save themselves some misery and get a far superior Windows-based computer.”  Richard Querin noted “since OS X is nothing more than a glorified Linux kernel, what did you expect?”  Upon hearing the news, Bill Gates pumped his fist in the air and began to jump up and down briefly before falling to the ground with leg cramps.

Mr. Mini is survived by his father, of Cupertino, California, two brothers (HP, 3 , and Dell, 5), of the home, one sister (IBM, 4), of Houston, Texas, several mice, keyboards and iPods, and one AppleTV.

A private memorial service was held on September 4, 2009, after which Mr. Mini was interred in a trash bag.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the Vintage Mac Museum, or the charity of your choice.