The Lamest Spam I Have Ever Received

I got an email the other day that makes those 419 scam emails seem like Pulitzer Prize material.  Let’s break it down (my comments are in italics).

From: [Sender of Lame Spam]
Sent: February **, 2010
To: [My Email Address]
Subject:

[The first hint that this was a lame spam from a clueless spammer was the fact that he (a) didn’t know that email should have or (b) forgot to add a Subject.  By itself, this could be an inadvertent oversight, but oh no, much more lameness to come.]

Dear Valued Partner:

[This is my all time favorite salutation.  From now on when you speak to me, or even think about me, I require that you address me as “Valued Partner.”  Nothing could possibly demonstrate any more clearly that this dude blasted a bunch of spam and has no idea who he’s trying to talk to.  The only thing that would have been better is if he’d addressed me as Buddy or Sport.  Or Chief.  Chief would be cool.]

image My name is [Spammer] and I am the [Cat Daddy] with [Company of Spammer], a search firm. I wanted to take a moment to
introduce myself and my firm to you, and to let you know that based upon your practice area  [You can tell he has no absolutely idea what I actually do and instead refers cleverly to my “practice area.”  He blasted this to a universe of “Valued Partners,” “Buddies,” “Sports” and “Chiefs” and it would be far too burdensome to actually research all those people.  Apply a Universal BS Translator to this and it really says “I’m too lazy to identify real leads, figure out who the heck I’m trying to communicate with and suggest possible jobs that might actually be a good fit, so I’m going to throw some terrible BS against the wall and see if anyone is desperate enough that it sticks.”], we currently have a number of very exciting opportunities which I felt you might be interested in hearing about. [Sure you do.  You don’t know my name, what I do or even who you’re writing to, but you have the perfect job picked out for me.  Wow. Thanks.]

I appreciate your time and consideration [But mostly I appreciate mine, because blasting out a ton of spam is faster than actually developing leads.], and if I can ever be of service, either now or in the future, please don’t hesitate to give me a call.

Best regards,

[Sender of Lame Spam]