Google to Acquire World

buytheworldAt least according to this article in the Times of London (which presumably is read by the Werewolves of London).

I don’t even know where to start, so let’s take this story paragraph by paragraph.

Google is working on a project to create its own global internet protocol (IP) network…

I was thinking just the other day that I wanted another internet. If one is good, two or three would be better. I was going to call my old jogging buddy Al Gore and ask him to invent another one. Now I don’t have to, because Google already did it.

Last month, Google placed job advertisements in America and the British national press for “Strategic Negotiator candidates…

Strategic Negotiator must be a negotiator who uses more strategy. I bet the frugal ones drive Pre-Owned Cars. I don’t know what dark fibre is (the re must mean that it’s not a thread), but this all sounds too James Bond to be real. I think Google is messing with us.

Dark fibre is the remnants of late 1990s internet boom where American web companies laid down fibre optic cables in preparation for high speed internet delivery…

OK, now I get it. Sort of like what 360Networks was going to do back in the nineties when I bought all that stock that later became worthless. Maybe Google can get into alchemy too while they’re trying all these old get rich quick schemes.

Late last year, Google purchased a 270,000 sq ft telecom interconnection facilities in New York. It is believed that from here, Google plans to link up and power the dark fibre system and turn it into a working internet network of its own.

This paragraph pretty much speaks for itself. Shoot, everyone should have their own internet. Maybe Google can mass produce internets at some of the abandoned automobile plants that Michael Moore likes to talk about. I think I see a movie possibility here.

It was also reported in November that Google was buying shipping containers and building data centres within them, possibly with the aim of using them at significant nodes within the worldwide cable network…

I actually know a guy who wants to buy cargo containers and turn them into housing for retirees. When he told us about it the other day on the way to Galveston, I laughed so hard I almost wrecked the car. I hope he doesn’t care that I’m talking about it on this internet, or that Google is going to corner the market on cargo containers the way the Hunt brothers did with silver back in the day.

Google has long been rumoured to be planning to launch a PC to retail for less than $100…

Well, that was sort of a left turn, but someone has to use all these new internets and what better way to ensure that happens than to give a bunch of really crappy computers to poor people and make them watch Google Ads over one of the Google Internets while using a Google Computer. I predict a line of cars will be the next step in Google world dominance. After they abandon the mass production of internets, they’ll have to find something to do with all those automobile/internet factories.

[[[I’m going to skip a few paragraphs because they aren’t ludicrous enough to warrant comment.]]]

However, industry insiders fear that the development of a network of Google Cubes powered over a Google-owned internet network will greatly increase the power that Google wields over online publishers and internet users.

Really? Ya think?

Should Google successfully launch an alternative network, it is theoretically possible for them to block out competitor websites and only allow users to access websites that have paid Google to be shown to their users.

Nobody will be upset about that, particularly after all the hell raising Google and others have done about the telecos trying to toll the pipes on the existing internet. Assuming this isn’t a joke (and I believe it is either a joke or a tragically funny misunderstanding), this is just Google thumbing its nose at the telecos. PR by satire.

However, the moves towards providing equipment for as little as £60 will prove popular with home users and even governments, who will welcome the spread of the internet to homes that could not previously afford the intital costs of purchasing PCs.

Well isn’t that heart warming. We’re going to build a bunch of internets and give you some near-computers so you can stare at our ads and use our internet(s) all day long. I’m surprised the Red Cross hasn’t already done this.

Contacted by Times Online today, a spokesperson for Google denied that it had any such plans…

Let’s hope not, because if it’s true, we’re all living in a Monty Python movie.

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